I have kids. At least three of them, last I checked. I’ve overheard some strange things, and I can promise that all of these are 100% real.

  1. Older sister Sofia to little brother Milo: “Milo, hand me that hammer. I’m going to show you what dead is.”
  2. Milo (in the back seat of the car): “Dad, I just can’t stop thinking about boobies.”
    Dad: “Me too, son. Me too.”
  3. Dad: “Do you guys want Mexican food tonight?”
    Sofia: “Mexican food? My butt’s going to go loco!”
  4. Dad: “I’m not going to fall for that. It’s the oldest trick in the book.”
    Sofia: “Hey, where is that book anyway?”
  5. Milo: “Dad, was the spork the greatest invention Einstein ever came up with?”
    Me: “I don’t think so, he came up with a few other important things as well.”
  6. Sofia: “Dad, you guys are a cute couple and everything, but you don’t deserve me and Milo.”
  7. Milo: “Daddy?”
    Me: “Yes?”
    Milo: “anytime you eat something butter could go on top of it.”
  8. Sofia: “Daddy, if you lined up all the dads in the world and I had to choose, I would still choose you.”
  9. Overheard: “Milo, I’m not talking just spit, I’m talking farts too.”
  10. Sofia: “That knife is SHARP. It can cut your SOUL.”
  11. Dad: “Milo, who is the bounty hunter from Star Wars again?”
    Milo: “Body Fat”
  12. Sofia: “Did you know Dora was talking about negative numbers? I was like ‘what the hell?’”
  13. Milo (talking about Sofia): “I remember things better than her because my brain is bigger”
  14. Sofia: “I feel really safe because it’s light, and, you know, like light’s my thing”
  15. Sofia (on divorce): “You could just say ‘you’re stupid’ and then go with someone else”
  16. Milo “Daddy’s the boss. Yep, when we do something wrong, he scrubs it off with a sponge”
  17. Milo: “We have a pool at school and if you’re naughty they put you in the pool”
    Sofia: “No, they only put the little kids in the pool because they don’t know how to swim”
  18. Dad: “Milo, what do you call that thing that pirates look through to see far away?”
    Milo: “A tennis goat”
  19. Milo: “Daddy, do you know what rhymes?”
    Me: “What?”
    Milo: “Corn and porn”
    Me: “Yep. That’s true”
  20. Sofia (looking at a picture of a tadpole and frog): “hey, that’s metamorphosis!”
    Me (thinking that school we pay for is teaching her something): “Where did you learn that?”
    Sofia: “Strawberry Shortcake!”
    Me: “Glad that money is going to good use…”
  21. Sofia: “Dad, you can sit down and watch an appropriate thing and I’ll vacuum”
  22. Sofia: “Daddy, you know what Milo is really into?”
    Me: “What?”
    Sofia: “Cheese and probiotics”
  23. Sofia: “So, if someone cheats but doesn’t tell anyone, they would get a trophy, but they would really be the loser”
    Me: “Yep, that’s right”
  24. Me (to Anna, a preschool student): “What word would you use to describe how this stuffed sheep feels to you?”
    Anna: “It feels like lunch”
  25. Me (to my Kindergarten class): “Let’s go around the circle and say what our favorite breakfast is”
    One of my students: “Yak”
    Me: “Really?”
    Student: “Yep, Yak.”

What Is a Ninja Dad?

Why I Love Being a Dad

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