Let’s face it—this COVID-19 thing is a real downer on our sex lives. I don’t know about you, but I can no longer tell the difference between Tuesday and Sunday. And that’s not to say we have a specific “sex day” of the week. Rather, it’s about privacy.
Suddenly, the kids are ALWAYS around. Normally, they have to get their asses out of the house and off to school. Now it’s like a never-ending spring break—and it’s cramping my style.
Have you felt the same lack of connection? Are you struggling to find intimacy in an environment that is (ironically) too intimate?
Here are some great ways to lighten the mood and keep the romance alive during the COVID-19 staycation of 2020.
- Pitch a tent. No, not like that. Put a tent up in the backyard (or if you live someplace rainy like Oregon, in the garage). Setup the sleeping bags in there along with some flashlights and put the kids to bed on an outdoor adventure. Then, lock the door to the garage or the front door and all the windows, tell Alexa to play your favorite booty call playlist, and enjoy your 93 seconds of alone time with your favorite spouse, baby mama, or girlfriend.
- Netflix and Chill. This has a whole new meaning when you have kids. Find the worst stupid kids movie (make sure it isn’t scary) and get the kids to go watch it. Meanwhile, break out a nice bottle of wine, light a candle, and escape to the bedroom while your kids are occupied. Make sure you check the length of the movie and set a timer on Alexa just to make sure you don’t get caught with your pants down… literally.
- Send the kids next door. Lol. DON’T do this. This was just a joke. No pandas were hurt in the making of this joke.
- Early morning booty call. Get up early (like 6am). Make sure you make enough noise to wake your significant other but not so much that you are a jerk. Go make a pot of coffee. Drink some. Now start texting your baby mama some sexy texts and pictures. If you can get her in the mood and the kids are still asleep, brush your teeth and move in for the kill.
- Play dress up. Put on the handyman tool belt. Take off your shirt. Go knock on the bedroom door and ask, “do your pipes need cleaning?” or, “do you need something fixed?” If you really need to, take apart that piece of shit Ikea furniture and put it back together so you are nice and sweaty in advance.
- Treasure hunt. Get some candy, put it in box, and bury it very deep (like you are digging to China). Make a complicated treasure map and then send your kids on the hunt. Make sure you dug a deep enough hole for the box—you’ll want it to take at least 93 seconds for them to dig it up!
- Roblox dough. Give your kids a gift certificate to upgrade the shit out of a video game for hours. Then turn up the tunes, lock the door, and make your wife a chicken dinner.
- Drop them like a rock. If you have young kids who usually nap, make them skip the nap. Keep them hyper stimulated all day. Then, feed them a big carb-loaded dinner and watch them drop like rocks at 7pm. When they’re out, turn on Fifty Shades of Grey or a steamy Netflix show and you are on your way.
- Shower sneak attack. Tell your wife she’s a bit stinky and needs a shower. If she’s new to working home, it might have been a week since you guys remembered to take showers! When she goes in, follow her and lock the door. Enjoy your nice “clean” shower time. Turn on the fan. Worst case scenario: your wife smells better.
We enjoy many things about the Ninja Dad life, but one thing we don’t like is repeating ourselves. Constantly. Especially when it has to do with manners, behavior, and general commonsense decorum.
So, rather than nag ourselves hoarse, we developed a genius reminder system to keep our kids in line. They’re called manners cards, and we swear, sometimes they actually work. Check them out here.